Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year!!!

Love, The McKinneys

Mark, Katy, Drew (10), Mary Helen (9), Eliza (6), Katherine (5)

We hope this letter finds you well and enjoying the rest that comes with a break in the routine.

Our year can be summed up in three words...Chickens and Paideia Academy.

This summer we bought 11 chickens, so Mark spent the summer building a chicken palace.  Katy began teaching first grade at Paideia Academy (kid's school) three days a week, and homeschooling the other days.  Mark has carried the weight of the family with Katy returning to work.  Drew is in 5^th grade, Mary Helen 3^rd, Eliza in kindergarten, and Katherine is in Pre-K.

Here is the run-down of the Top 3 “Bests of 2015” for each of us...

Mark--building chicken coop, traveling with Knox Pro Corps to Dominican Republic & Panama

Katy--being mommy, homeschooling my girls, being back in the classroom

Drew--playing Ebenezer Scrooge in school play, spending a week at cousin’s house, achieving A/B honor roll

Mary Helen--getting ears pierced, being with family, working hard at school

Eliza--learning to read & write, playing Ticket to Ride and Legos, gymnastics

Katherine--dancing, snuggling with Mommy and Daddy, playing with siblings and imaginary friends

We love you all!!

Blessings on your year…

My baby

How is it possible that my BABY is three years old?  We celebrated her life yesterday and I have been pondering a good deal. Looking back over the blur that has been my life for the last three years. In some ways, it feels like yesterday...her birth. Just having had gallbladder surgery was a stark reminder of the scars she left behind.  But more than scars, she has brought so much joy to our lives. We laugh a good deal more because of our Little Monkey.  

She still seems like such a baby to me and it makes me laugh when I think that we moved to Guatemala on E's third birthday and I thought she was such a big girl. How my perspective changes. 

How will it make me feel when my baby is 16, or 35, or 63?  Will it be the same heart wrenching realization that the years are passing and time is flying and there is nothing I can do to stop it except to stop...and savor. 

Or will I have learned the art of treasuring and pondering as Jesus' mom did. I hope so. 

Self-Care

This summer and fall I have definitely had to put on the "Oxygen Mask of Self-Care" and keep it on for some time.  What am I talking about?  You know when you get on an airplane and they tell you that in the event of a loss of air pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling.  "Please place a mask on yourself before assisting other passengers."  Why is this?  This seems rather selfish and self-serving, right?  Not a very Christian attitude...taking care of yourself first?  Well, as author Geri Scazzero says, "She who is dead, can not be much help to others."

With the introduction of each child into our family, the amount of time I have spent taking care of myself has dimenished exponentially.  What has that looked like on a practical basis?  Dr. visits?...OB's and pediatricians count, right?  Exercise?...I carry lots of kids and laundry and groceries...check.  Counseling....definitely no time for that-- I may have issues that need to be dealt with, but that's going to have to be on the back burner.  Shower...very optional...certainly not a daily priority.  Brushing teeth...pretty high on the priority list, but still might not get done every day-- especially if the house shoes never come off my feet.  You get the picture--- self-care has NOT been a high priority for me for the past 9ish years.  Any other mommas of littles sympathize?

So, where has that left me?  Sick and tired!!  In body, mind, soul and spirit.  But the time in Guatemala made that sickness very apparent and the Spring, Summer and Fall have really been spent getting me well.  What changes have we made?

Well, I read a great book, Emotionally Healthy Woman (Geri Scazzero) and that was awesome--I highly recommend it.  I started exercising once a week- no kids, yoga, worshipful, peaceful, friends with me, Oh yeah--it's a little piece of heaven!  Adjusting medications.  Counseling.  Working to find a balance between home, kids activities, time for my marriage, and time for myself.

And the big one-- I have sought out doctors to figure out why I was so exhausted ALL THE TIME and why I was having abdominal pain.  I thought I had struggled with acid reflux disease for years.  I told Mark in Guatemala that I really needed to have a scope once we were home and had good insurance again to look at my esophagus and see what was going on in my belly.  It was recommended years ago, but who has time for anesthesia?  Not on my agenda---but the pain was growing worse and much more frequent and leaving me with sleepless nights (not an option).  So, I finally got around to that bit of taking care of myself in September.  What did they find?...nothing!!  Next thing I know I'm having an abdominal ultrasound only to discover I have 3 large gallstones (all about 1 inch in diameter).  Surgery...here I come!  On October 14th, I found myself having my gallbladder removed.  Five weeks later, I'm still tired and I have to be careful what I lift, but feeling much better and very thankful for modern medicine.

Hopefully the next months and years won't involve quite such intense caring for myself, but I think a lesson I have learned, and hope to teach my children, is that taking care of yourself is a good thing.  They have not seen that modeled very well so far in their lives....but I hope they will learn that lesson now.  Especially my girls:  being a good momma doesn't mean you're super woman and you can do it all, non-stop, and not take care of yourself---caring for myself will make me a better momma!    

An adventure

Why do I still think I can control my circumstances and make life feel manageable??  One would think after the last year of my life, I would not revert to such thinking.  But the Lord has me there again--feeling so very out of control of my situation until I finally see, "Oh...you're making sure I'm depending on you again, right?  You're putting me in this position where I feel really unqualified and unprepared and basically scared out of my wits."

So...school starts tomorrow.  Oh my...

When I first thought about homeschooling our kids, I did NOT think I would be doing it this long.  Kindergarten and first grade...MAX.  We are now entering our fourth year of homeschooling.  Last year was such a doosy that I am really nervous about this one.  I had planned to have my house completely organized and feel so very settled before school started...HA!!  I had planned to have our fall semester all planned with all the extras we will do layed out...HA!!  Such plans are now out the window and we begin tomorrow on a wing and a prayer-- holding Mrs. Angel's hand on one side and Mrs. O'Hern's hand on the other.

I am so thankful for these wonderful women and mentors who have chosen to walk this crazy-road of cooperative homeschooling with me this year.  And so we begin.

I was reading a book this week, The Fiddler's Gun, by A.S. Peterson.  Listen to what he said...this impacted me:

"Sometimes the path is hard to hold to and people fall off along the way.  They curse the road for its steep grades and muddy ruts and settle themselves in hinterlands of thorn and sorrow, never knowing or dreaming that the road meant all along to lead them home.  Some call that road a tragedy and lose themselves along it.  Others, those who see it home, call it an adventure"

So...I'm not sure where this road of educating our children is leading us.  And I have no doubt we will encounter lots of thorns and ruts along the way.  But I do hope we will not lose ourselves and that will will hold tightly to Jesus who walks with us and to each other as we walk this adventure together.

Processing is a process

Well...I have been back in the states now for almost five months.  It is really hard to believe it has been that long.  The last four months have been such a blur in many ways.  However, in the midst of the blur I have been able to process a bit of all the Lord has been working out in me.

"Our culture doesn’t value safe boundaries like it should. We hold private disdain for the one who quit, the one who pulled out, drew a line in the sand, the one who said no more. We secretly wonder if they shouldn’t have tried harder, stayed longer, if this isn’t an indicator of their flimsy loyalty. Surely we would’ve done better in their shoes."  Jen Hatmaker, Seven

I can identify with Jen's quote, so very much.  Initially when I came home I really struggled with believing the lie that I am damaged goods.  Does that make sense?  I felt like, because I have been so open about my struggle with depression, many people looked at me with pity and said things to me like, "I'm so glad you're home.  Now you can become whole again."  But what if I don't want to be "whole" again?  What if being broken is a good place to be and it forces me to lean into the unconditional love of Jesus in a new, real way?

Back in April, I went to hear a woman named Geri Scazzero speak about her book, Emotionally, Healthy Woman.  It was like she was telling my story.

One thing she said that I have been processing is this: "The Bible says, 'Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF'".  As a Christian woman, I falsely believed that putting myself before anyone else was a selfish decision.  I often walk on eggshells to keep others in my life happy, full of fear of the consequences of disappointing them.  Even if I take time for myself, I am often filled with guilt as I do it.  What I am finding is that all of my fears are completely wasted, because I am completely and wholly loved by God alone.  I can remain rooted in His love for me and have freedom to be my true self in Christ.

I am learning that I am only effective at loving others (my spouse, parents, kids, friends, neighbors) if I am loving myself.  I am not very good at loving those around me if I am worn out and bitter because I am "loving" out of duty and "the shoulds" (which is really not loving at all).  So as I am re-inventing my life, I no longer want to make choices to do things because "I should".  I want to be honest and rest in the Love of the Lord so that perhaps my life will flow out of LOVE, not out of OUGHT.  Sure, this can be taken to an extreme and I could shirk all responsibility simply because I don't LOVE laundry or cleaning toilets.  That's not exactly what I'm talking about.  As I renter the culture, I am completely overwhelmed by the pace of life, however, I know I have choices and I want to make choices which are rooted in God's love for me.

I think above all, what I am learning is that I am in process.  And I am so thankful I am.  A dear woman in my life, who could easily appear to many that she has it all together at age 87, willingly admits that she does not...she still has a lot to learn.  While in some ways, this is discouraging...because I was kind of hoping by the time I reached a certain age I would be "just right", in many ways this is also incredibly encouraging---because we are all in process.  God never gives up on us and he never stops working on us.  Oh...I am so thankful for that blessed truth.

And so...as I process and journey, I would like to continue writing.  I have discovered during this last year & a half that writing brings me life.  It will not be nearly as frequent as it has been this last year, but I would love for you to journey with me.