An adventure

Why do I still think I can control my circumstances and make life feel manageable??  One would think after the last year of my life, I would not revert to such thinking.  But the Lord has me there again--feeling so very out of control of my situation until I finally see, "Oh...you're making sure I'm depending on you again, right?  You're putting me in this position where I feel really unqualified and unprepared and basically scared out of my wits."

So...school starts tomorrow.  Oh my...

When I first thought about homeschooling our kids, I did NOT think I would be doing it this long.  Kindergarten and first grade...MAX.  We are now entering our fourth year of homeschooling.  Last year was such a doosy that I am really nervous about this one.  I had planned to have my house completely organized and feel so very settled before school started...HA!!  I had planned to have our fall semester all planned with all the extras we will do layed out...HA!!  Such plans are now out the window and we begin tomorrow on a wing and a prayer-- holding Mrs. Angel's hand on one side and Mrs. O'Hern's hand on the other.

I am so thankful for these wonderful women and mentors who have chosen to walk this crazy-road of cooperative homeschooling with me this year.  And so we begin.

I was reading a book this week, The Fiddler's Gun, by A.S. Peterson.  Listen to what he said...this impacted me:

"Sometimes the path is hard to hold to and people fall off along the way.  They curse the road for its steep grades and muddy ruts and settle themselves in hinterlands of thorn and sorrow, never knowing or dreaming that the road meant all along to lead them home.  Some call that road a tragedy and lose themselves along it.  Others, those who see it home, call it an adventure"

So...I'm not sure where this road of educating our children is leading us.  And I have no doubt we will encounter lots of thorns and ruts along the way.  But I do hope we will not lose ourselves and that will will hold tightly to Jesus who walks with us and to each other as we walk this adventure together.

Processing is a process

Well...I have been back in the states now for almost five months.  It is really hard to believe it has been that long.  The last four months have been such a blur in many ways.  However, in the midst of the blur I have been able to process a bit of all the Lord has been working out in me.

"Our culture doesn’t value safe boundaries like it should. We hold private disdain for the one who quit, the one who pulled out, drew a line in the sand, the one who said no more. We secretly wonder if they shouldn’t have tried harder, stayed longer, if this isn’t an indicator of their flimsy loyalty. Surely we would’ve done better in their shoes."  Jen Hatmaker, Seven

I can identify with Jen's quote, so very much.  Initially when I came home I really struggled with believing the lie that I am damaged goods.  Does that make sense?  I felt like, because I have been so open about my struggle with depression, many people looked at me with pity and said things to me like, "I'm so glad you're home.  Now you can become whole again."  But what if I don't want to be "whole" again?  What if being broken is a good place to be and it forces me to lean into the unconditional love of Jesus in a new, real way?

Back in April, I went to hear a woman named Geri Scazzero speak about her book, Emotionally, Healthy Woman.  It was like she was telling my story.

One thing she said that I have been processing is this: "The Bible says, 'Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF'".  As a Christian woman, I falsely believed that putting myself before anyone else was a selfish decision.  I often walk on eggshells to keep others in my life happy, full of fear of the consequences of disappointing them.  Even if I take time for myself, I am often filled with guilt as I do it.  What I am finding is that all of my fears are completely wasted, because I am completely and wholly loved by God alone.  I can remain rooted in His love for me and have freedom to be my true self in Christ.

I am learning that I am only effective at loving others (my spouse, parents, kids, friends, neighbors) if I am loving myself.  I am not very good at loving those around me if I am worn out and bitter because I am "loving" out of duty and "the shoulds" (which is really not loving at all).  So as I am re-inventing my life, I no longer want to make choices to do things because "I should".  I want to be honest and rest in the Love of the Lord so that perhaps my life will flow out of LOVE, not out of OUGHT.  Sure, this can be taken to an extreme and I could shirk all responsibility simply because I don't LOVE laundry or cleaning toilets.  That's not exactly what I'm talking about.  As I renter the culture, I am completely overwhelmed by the pace of life, however, I know I have choices and I want to make choices which are rooted in God's love for me.

I think above all, what I am learning is that I am in process.  And I am so thankful I am.  A dear woman in my life, who could easily appear to many that she has it all together at age 87, willingly admits that she does not...she still has a lot to learn.  While in some ways, this is discouraging...because I was kind of hoping by the time I reached a certain age I would be "just right", in many ways this is also incredibly encouraging---because we are all in process.  God never gives up on us and he never stops working on us.  Oh...I am so thankful for that blessed truth.

And so...as I process and journey, I would like to continue writing.  I have discovered during this last year & a half that writing brings me life.  It will not be nearly as frequent as it has been this last year, but I would love for you to journey with me.